If you’re a celebrity, as I’m sure many of my readers are, here are some indicators that you’re probably a has been or will soon be one. If you realize you’ve been recently making some of these comments, it’s probably time for a face lift or career change.
“I got a gig hosting Extra.”
“I’m going to be on Celebrity Fit Club. (or any other VH1 with ‘celebrity’ in the title)”
“Yeah, I fucked Paris.”
“It’s on tape.”
“I apologize profusely for calling my fellow castmember a faggot. Oh did I say it again? Jeez, I’m so sorry.”
“I’m out of rehab! I’m a changed person!”
“Tom Cruise and I are like brothers. He has some good ideas.”
“Jimmy Kimmel won’t return my phone calls.”
“I manage a restaurant. It’s a McDonald’s franchise. But I used to be on The Wonder Years.”
“I’m Britney Spears. You want my picture?”
Tila Tequila, star of Shot of Love announced Monday night while hosting MTV’s New Years Eve Bash that she’ll be returning for season two of the show. This is offensive for two important reasons. One, this might be the worst “celebrity” dating show ever. And secondly because three weeks ago she was claiming that she truly found love. Apparently that was all lies. I’ll admit that I gave the show a shot when it first came out mainly because Rock of Love had ended and I needed something to tide me over between I Love New York episodes. But first of all, she sucks. She has one of the most obnoxious voices in all of television and she definitely does not have a good enough personality to have her own dating show. New York is outrageous and hilarious and Bret Michaels is horny all the time, which makes him equally hilarious and though it’s disgusting, it’s much more fun to watch than some bitch crying about how she has feelings for everybody. The contestants on the show follow suit in being just as emotional and ridiculous. You're on a reality TV show on MTV, there are no feelings. Man up. Every 3 minutes someone is saying that theyre falling in love. It’s been 2 weeks, come on! Another thing that bothered me from day 1. "You still have a shot at love. Are you interested?" Really? That’s how they pitch magazine subscriptions at Best Buy. There are thousands of cuter ways to ask that, the most obvious of which being "Will you take it?" (as in the shot). They can’t even use their own title with a clever double meaning to come up with a decent catch phrase. The show also has some of the worst editing of all time. They try so hard to dramatize everything that even things that would be super fun and dramatic come off as boring and confusing. I’m shocked, frankly, that MTV wants to bring it back. Especially considering all the drama that they supposedly had with Tila.
Also, Tila is a horrible name, especially since it’s a self-given moniker. It doesn’t help to hear psycho white trash dudes yelling it at the top of their lungs. How can you ever fall in love with someone named Tila. That’s also the reason I would never vote for Mitt Romney. How can you trust someone named after a baseball glove?
With the WGA writer's strike in full effect, TV viewers are starting to feel the ripples of no new shows. Though, we've gotten off easily in the past couple of weeks because we've been distracted by the holidays. After we're all done recovering from new years celebrations, we're going to be left with nothing to do. So in lieu of getting together with friends to catch up on the weekly serials, I came up with a list of things that can take up that time. Because I love Rock of Love as much as the next person but I know reality TV can't satisfy me the way a good scripted show can. So while we wait for the resolution to the strike, here are some fun alternatives:
1. Catch up on all the shows you've been meaning to watch but haven't got around to.
I know, I for one, have a short list of shows that I've been dying to get into. But because of school or work, haven't gotten a chance. So borrow your friends' seasons of 24 and The Office and relax. No breaks and no commercials. You can watch at your ow pace and the best part is that when the shows do come back, you'll be all caught up and you can start watching it at its regular time.
2. Watch shows that are already over and available on DVD.
There's nothing like the Seinfeld series on DVD to take up your time in front of the tube. Get yourself a present with all the gift cards you racked up for Christmas and enjoy any of the newly defunct shows like The Sopranos or Six Feet Under.
3. Rewatch your favorite shows.
If you’re like me, you can watch your favorite shows over and over. Some shows are just timeless classics to be enjoyed repeatedly. Rent or buy your favorite show, sit back, relax and remember why you fell in love with the Friends in the first place.
4. Replace TV time with movie time.
Hit up your local video rental place or sign up for Netflix and instead of channel surfing your night away, check out a couple a flicks a week. My personal goal is to watch all the movies on IMDB's Top 250. That's a good way to see some really good movies you probably wouldn't come across otherwise.
Enjoy!
To commemorate the fact that I got all the seasons of Arrested Development as a Christmas present to myself, I want to take a look back at the reasons why we love the Bluths. Actually, it’s more like a list of reasons I hate Fox. Because the world would have gotten around to seeing what all the critics were talking about if they didn’t get a new timeslot every week and if they had actually gotten promoted. If DVD sales are any indication, the show is a hit, even years after it was cancelled. But of course, Fox wouldn’t know a hit if it fucked them in the ass. That’s because they’re too busy looking for the next American One Hit Flash-in-the-Pan up Simon Cowell’s ass. But seriously, Arrested Development is the most consistently funny show ever to grace our television
screens. So when I heard that an Arrested Development movie might be in the works, I was overjoyed with glee. Of course, rumors about this have been circling since the show’s untimely demise, and I personally won’t get too excited until I see it on IMDb. But while promoting Juno (read my review here), Jason Bateman let it slip that he had been recently conversing with series creator, Mitchell Hurwitz, and trying to convince him to get to writing a movie. He said Hurwitz “could be coming around.” Doesn’t sound like much but since the writer’s strike is in full swing, that might mean he’ll actually get the ball rolling, if nothing else out of boredom.
This, naturally, is second best only to having the series return triumphantly to our living rooms. But who knows, maybe the movie will be such a blockbuster, there will no other rational choice than to bring it back. At least something good might come out of the writer’s strike. I won’t be complaining if an AD movie fills the void that 8 less episodes of Lost will leave this coming spring.
The full article and video can be found here:
http://moviesblog.mtv.com/2007/12/06/jason-bateman-refuels-hope-for-arrested-development-movie/
And if you want to catch the show and don’t want to buy it. The entire series (along with many fun extras) is available for your viewing pleasure here:
I saw Superbad tonight. What a mistake. I was trying to avoid seeing it but I gave in just because it’s on the top 250 and I'm trying to see all of them. I’m just glad I didn't have to pay for it. I can count the number of times I laughed because I could do so w/ the fingers of one hand, if I was missing 3 fingers. I actually almost cried, not from laughter or because I’m a pussy and I found it sad, but because it was so awkward. I feel less uncomfortable watching girls get it in the face in homemade pornos. And you know what, that's just as funny and an hour shorter.
Anyway, onto a much better movie that I saw recently. I use the phrase "much better" loosely because this movie is driving me crazy. If any of you haven't seen the Bourne movies, specifically the last one, stop reading now. The Bourne Ultimatum is like an orgasm you're not sure whether or not you had. It's intense and exciting all the way through and then it ends kind of sluggishly but still in a cute way. But definitely not in the shocking and amazing way the entire movie had been building up to. If you saw them you may or may not have noticed that there’s a scene in the middle of Ultimatum that’s identical to the last scene in Supremacy. Leading you to believe that the events taking place in this movie happen in the middle of the Supremacy movie. I guess that’s cool, whatever. But I had recently seen the first two and there are several other scenes that aren’t exactly repeats but are still definitely eerily similar, like the way Julia Stiles cuts her hair in the same way the German chick did in the first movie, and how the car chase ends around the middle of both movies, lines that are almost kind of repeated and how Bourne ends up face up in the water, in the exact way Bourne Identity started. Not to mention the scene that’s obviously identical has some really subtle differences that are either sloppy oversights or intentionally different for some reason. The entire movie I’m thinking that were going to find out that either Bourne's gone crazy or he's in some weird virtual reality where he's reliving scenarios over and over with different people in them. But we don't. The reasoning behind those scenes is never explained. Other than the director really liked the first two movies and decided to pay homage to them by recreating every single scene. What the fuck? Someone needs to explain this. I don’t really understand why people liked it so much.
I've been reading this book about a girl who died from bulimia. It’s called Andrea’s Voice. At first I kind of felt bad but the more I read, the more pissed I get. I just have no tolerance for people with eating disorders. Man, put your life into perspective. When I think of the homeless kids all over the world who would literally give their arm to have the meal you just threw up, I want to smash every little bulimic bitch's head against a toilet. You're an asshole! Maybe that’s why people don't like you and not because you don’t look like a rail. And maybe if you spent less time with your finger down your throat and more time being an appreciative socially acceptable human, you would have the unconditional love you think you're going to win by not eating. I don’t think they should have therapy for eating disorders, but a foreign exchange program. Every jackass diagnosed with an eating disorder trades places with someone in Africa for month. Maybe they would come back with something valuable, like AIDS. Because the way I see it, there’s nothing like a terminal illness to make you see that you're not disordered; you're just an idiot.
I saw Little Miss Sunshine today. *As always the following may or may not contain spoilers.* I don’t want to say it’s a bad movie. It’s just that I personally hated it. I've never seen a more depressing movie in my life. Yes, it beats Requiem. Everything about it was depressing. Even the music. And it wasn’t even all that funny. I get the concept of dark humor and all but damn. It’s hard to laugh at anything after every ounce of happiness has been sucked out of you. Seeing Steve Carell be serious makes my soul die a little bit. Maybe it’s because I hadn’t cried in a while and I had pent up emotion or something. But what the fuck? I’ve never wanted to commit suicide so badly. There’s a fine line between funny series of unfortunate events and seeing an already pathetic group of people experience tragedy after tragedy...after tragedy. Aside from the fact that it made me die inside, there’s also no way you can make me believe that a cop can be distracted enough by porn to overlook the dead body in the trunk. In general, I hate movies about quirky off-beat characters. Napoleon Dynamite, Little Miss Sunshine, Garden State, Running With Scissors. I don’t buy that kind of crap. I need a plot, not just weird people. An entire cast of Oscar winners does not a good movie make. Not to mention that more often than not, when those stupid indie movies attempt to be deep, they just come off as pretentious and ridiculous. An artsy jumble of scenes drowning in its own shallow pool of pseudo-meaning.
The one good thing about this movie is that it was trying to be cleverly and darkly comedic as opposed to the other comedies that people enjoy these days, like Borat. I really fucking hate Borat and all the stupid catch phrases he’s spawned. This is one of those things, like Napoleon Dynamite, that I choose to believe people like because it’s trendy, not because they actually find it funny. That helps me sleep at night. Because although that’s equally unacceptable, I refuse to accept that people's sense of humor is THAT bad. And of course, as if Borat himself wasn’t unfunny enough, in come the pathetic losers who spend every waking minute quoting him. These are the douchebags that have never had a single original thought in their head and the extent of their wit comes from Dane Cook’s standup and Will Ferrell movies. Congratulations, you have mastered the art of repeating words. Kill yourself.
I just made the mistake of watching the midnight showing of Miami Vice. What a piece of shit. It was bad enough that I spent $3.50 on a Kit Kat bar and that we had to sit in the 2nd row. But if the movie had been any good, I could have looked past that. For a movie with no plot, they sure did a lot of talking. A lot of talking, in bad Miami accents. Colin Farrel with a bad dye job trying to speak Spanish, unacceptable. Randomly hopping on a boat and going to Cuba for mojitos, completely unacceptable. I don’t really understand why there were so many Asian bitches all over the place. This isn’t Tokyo Drift. When was the last time you saw an Asian in Miami speaking Spanish?? I’m so beyond offended. The sex scenes in the movie weren’t even hot. The sound track was terrible, the outfits were worse. I’m still trying to count how many guayaveras they could shove Colin Farrel into. And naturally, when a movie has a shitty plot and isn’t really entertaining, you rely on visuals to get you through 2 hours of bullshit because at least there are pretty moving pictures in front of you. So to really kill everything, they hired an epileptic to do the camerawork. Obviously their aim was to capture the gritty feel of the dark Niami drug underworld. To achieve this they also used the shittiest cameras ever. They would shift from a real movie camera to something that closely resembled a camcorder. When done correctly, this can be pulled off and you’ve got Traffic. But when you’re watching one scene in which a bunch of people are talking (unintelligibly so) and the angle changes and its suddenly an 80's movie and then it changes again and the picture is clear, its not cute. Between that and the seizing cameraman, I was just about ready to kill myself. Finally, in an almost attempt to create excitement, there’s a shootout. So you think, sweet. Everyone will shut up and there will be lots of action. But all you hear is nonstop gunfire and you can’t really tell what’s going on or who’s getting shot because the camera is all over the place. I thought I was watching news footage from Iraq. But that couldn’t be because that would have been more exciting. I really have no idea what just happened. There was just Taliban drug lords and Nazi trailer trash and boats. I think there might have been drugs being transported. You would never have a clue because 1 minute they’re in Cuba dancing and then they’re in a casino like its all good and there’s a lot of talking.
The worst part is that I know there’s people that walked out of there thinking "Man did u see that guy get shot? That was awesome!" I wanted to kill each and every person who I heard a peep out of when the "bad guy" got his.
I’m gonna pretend I didn’t spend my money on that piece of shit and while I’m at it, abstain from the movies for @ least 3 months. If I see another bad movie, I’m going to feel compelled to send Hollywood a boatload of anthrax- Miami style, ’cause that’s how we do.
There might be spoilers, there might not:
First of all, ok...huh? I get the whole weird thing that Shayamalan was trying to do. Stupid little story, fine. But there were just some nasty plot holes. First of all, why does everyone just accept that this bitch just came from the sea like it’s all good? She’s also naked the entire movie! Maybe if you had been wearing pants, the evil grass wouldn’t have scratched you, jackass! Unacceptable! He has them doing all these ridiculous things to help her. What the fuck? If you’re going to try to convince me that a bunch of potheads can get motivated to do anything, you lose. And why the hell is everyone in that apartment building a damn writer? So weird. Most importantly, why did Shayamalan think he could act?? He can barely direct anymore, let alone be in front of the camera. I’ve seen better performances in Star Wars. Why did Paul Giamatti turn into a damn fish in the middle of the movie? (that’s not a spoiler- I just mean he was underwater for 5 minutes with no explanation). I will say this, it had some funny characters. The Asian lady especially. But funny characters don’t make a good story. Maybe its because I’m not spiritual enough but if my big enemy is a dog made out of grass, I don’t need a fucking guardian, I need a lawnmower. And I picked up on the pseudo-deep humanity/war thing, I just don’t care because it didn’t belong. It was put in the movie to give it depth and fell flat because this is a movie that didn’t need depth because it was a fucking bedtime story. Oh and that bitch is a redhead the 1st half of the movie and then she becomes blonde. Also, no one can pull of making up names for things (except maybe JK Rowling.) Other people shouldn’t try. A narf? No. Scrunt? Nooo. Looking past the fact that everyone is just fine with this random mythical naked chick running around and that in the beginning of the movie she has no idea what’s going on, at some point we find out that she can see the future. If you know what’s going to happen in 12 years, can’t you see who makes up the Scooby gang that’s supposed to save your ass? Overall, it wasn’t even cute. I just didn’t buy it. But it still wasn’t worse than The Village. He should just stop making movies. In fact, all established directors should stop making movies because when people have a reputation, they stop caring. I want to see people make movies when they still have something to prove. Not when they have enough money to write, direct, and produce their own crappy story. You know nobody told him what a stupid idea for a movie this was, and those that did got fired.
Stumble It!