Blackout

So I got my ears on the new Britney Spears CD, Blackout. 4 long awaited years, and the princess of pop comes back better than ever. If her parenting was this good, she would still have custody of her kids. I guess she gave up on the notion that she can sing, because all the songs are as far from showcasing her voice as they possibly could be. I appreciate this because we can all agree that slow ballad songs like "I'm Not a Girl" and "Sometimes" were never her strong suit anyway. Which is why this CD is so awesome. The people have spoken and my girl gives the people what they want: poppy dance hits that have been run through a grinder of synthesizers. This album is not deep or pretentious, and while it won't change your life (like many a Dave Matthews release), it gives you exactly what you expect, 41 minutes of hardcore fun. Aside from the CD's own awesomeness, I must express my amazement at how anyone that intoxicated could create anything that sounds even remotely good. Though, I have to ask, does she know that fire is hot and ice is cold or was she just being edgy? Because "hot as fire, baby, cold as ice" would still rhyme with "if you've ever been to heaven, this is twice as nice" and also made sense. Even so, "Hot as Ice" is one of my favorite songs on the album.
On a more serious note though, I'm concerned for Britney because she's going down a dangerous path with all the drugs and reckless driving. Not to mention, she's 25 going on 27 which we know is a cursed age for successful musicians:
see also: Jim Morrison
see also: Janis Joplin
see also: Jimi Hendrix
see also: Kurt Cobain
If she joins them, I think I would cry and I mean that. But until then, Britney's back, y'all! Get her CD and put it on repeat.

Bourne Superbad

I saw Superbad tonight. What a mistake. I was trying to avoid seeing it but I gave in just because it’s on the top 250 and I'm trying to see all of them. I’m just glad I didn't have to pay for it. I can count the number of times I laughed because I could do so w/ the fingers of one hand, if I was missing 3 fingers. I actually almost cried, not from laughter or because I’m a pussy and I found it sad, but because it was so awkward. I feel less uncomfortable watching girls get it in the face in homemade pornos. And you know what, that's just as funny and an hour shorter.

Anyway, onto a much better movie that I saw recently. I use the phrase "much better" loosely because this movie is driving me crazy. If any of you haven't seen the Bourne movies, specifically the last one, stop reading now. The Bourne Ultimatum is like an orgasm you're not sure whether or not you had. It's intense and exciting all the way through and then it ends kind of sluggishly but still in a cute way. But definitely not in the shocking and amazing way the entire movie had been building up to. If you saw them you may or may not have noticed that there’s a scene in the middle of Ultimatum that’s identical to the last scene in Supremacy. Leading you to believe that the events taking place in this movie happen in the middle of the Supremacy movie. I guess that’s cool, whatever. But I had recently seen the first two and there are several other scenes that aren’t exactly repeats but are still definitely eerily similar, like the way Julia Stiles cuts her hair in the same way the German chick did in the first movie, and how the car chase ends around the middle of both movies, lines that are almost kind of repeated and how Bourne ends up face up in the water, in the exact way Bourne Identity started. Not to mention the scene that’s obviously identical has some really subtle differences that are either sloppy oversights or intentionally different for some reason. The entire movie I’m thinking that were going to find out that either Bourne's gone crazy or he's in some weird virtual reality where he's reliving scenarios over and over with different people in them. But we don't. The reasoning behind those scenes is never explained. Other than the director really liked the first two movies and decided to pay homage to them by recreating every single scene. What the fuck? Someone needs to explain this. I don’t really understand why people liked it so much. 

My Thoughts on Babel

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A Message of Hope to Those With Bulimia

I've been reading this book about a girl who died from bulimia. It’s called Andrea’s Voice. At first I kind of felt bad but the more I read, the more pissed I get. I just have no tolerance for people with eating disorders. Man, put your life into perspective. When I think of the homeless kids all over the world who would literally give their arm to have the meal you just threw up, I want to smash every little bulimic bitch's head against a toilet. You're an asshole! Maybe that’s why people don't like you and not because you don’t look like a rail. And maybe if you spent less time with your finger down your throat and more time being an appreciative socially acceptable human, you would have the unconditional love you think you're going to win by not eating. I don’t think they should have therapy for eating disorders, but a foreign exchange program. Every jackass diagnosed with an eating disorder trades places with someone in Africa for month. Maybe they would come back with something valuable, like AIDS. Because the way I see it, there’s nothing like a terminal illness to make you see that you're not disordered; you're just an idiot. 

Little Miss Sunshine: Comedy? I think not.

I saw Little Miss Sunshine today. *As always the following may or may not contain spoilers.* I don’t want to say it’s a bad movie. It’s just that I personally hated it. I've never seen a more depressing movie in my life. Yes, it beats Requiem. Everything about it was depressing. Even the music. And it wasn’t even all that funny. I get the concept of dark humor and all but damn. It’s hard to laugh at anything after every ounce of happiness has been sucked out of you. Seeing Steve Carell be serious makes my soul die a little bit. Maybe it’s because I hadn’t cried in a while and I had pent up emotion or something. But what the fuck? I’ve never wanted to commit suicide so badly. There’s a fine line between funny series of unfortunate events and seeing an already pathetic group of people experience tragedy after tragedy...after tragedy. Aside from the fact that it made me die inside, there’s also no way you can make me believe that a cop can be distracted enough by porn to overlook the dead body in the trunk. In general, I hate movies about quirky off-beat characters. Napoleon Dynamite, Little Miss Sunshine, Garden State, Running With Scissors. I don’t buy that kind of crap. I need a plot, not just weird people. An entire cast of Oscar winners does not a good movie make. Not to mention that more often than not, when those stupid indie movies attempt to be deep, they just come off as pretentious and ridiculous. An artsy jumble of scenes drowning in its own shallow pool of pseudo-meaning.

The one good thing about this movie is that it was trying to be cleverly and darkly comedic as opposed to the other comedies that people enjoy these days, like Borat. I really fucking hate Borat and all the stupid catch phrases he’s spawned. This is one of those things, like Napoleon Dynamite, that I choose to believe people like because it’s trendy, not because they actually find it funny. That helps me sleep at night. Because although that’s equally unacceptable, I refuse to accept that people's sense of humor is THAT bad. And of course, as if Borat himself wasn’t unfunny enough, in come the pathetic losers who spend every waking minute quoting him. These are the douchebags that have never had a single original thought in their head and the extent of their wit comes from Dane Cook’s standup and Will Ferrell movies. Congratulations, you have mastered the art of repeating words. Kill yourself.

Worst.Movie.Ever.

I just made the mistake of watching the midnight showing of Miami Vice. What a piece of shit. It was bad enough that I spent $3.50 on a Kit Kat bar and that we had to sit in the 2nd row. But if the movie had been any good, I could have looked past that. For a movie with no plot, they sure did a lot of talking. A lot of talking, in bad Miami accents. Colin Farrel with a bad dye job trying to speak Spanish, unacceptable. Randomly hopping on a boat and going to Cuba for mojitos, completely unacceptable. I don’t really understand why there were so many Asian bitches all over the place. This isn’t Tokyo Drift. When was the last time you saw an Asian in Miami speaking Spanish?? I’m so beyond offended. The sex scenes in the movie weren’t even hot. The sound track was terrible, the outfits were worse. I’m still trying to count how many guayaveras they could shove Colin Farrel into. And naturally, when a movie has a shitty plot and isn’t really entertaining, you rely on visuals to get you through 2 hours of bullshit because at least there are pretty moving pictures in front of you. So to really kill everything, they hired an epileptic to do the camerawork. Obviously their aim was to capture the gritty feel of the dark Niami drug underworld. To achieve this they also used the shittiest cameras ever. They would shift from a real movie camera to something that closely resembled a camcorder. When done correctly, this can be pulled off and you’ve got Traffic. But when you’re watching one scene in which a bunch of people are talking (unintelligibly so) and the angle changes and its suddenly an 80's movie and then it changes again and the picture is clear, its not cute. Between that and the seizing cameraman, I was just about ready to kill myself. Finally, in an almost attempt to create excitement, there’s a shootout. So you think, sweet. Everyone will shut up and there will be lots of action. But all you hear is nonstop gunfire and you can’t really tell what’s going on or who’s getting shot because the camera is all over the place. I thought I was watching news footage from Iraq. But that couldn’t be because that would have been more exciting. I really have no idea what just happened. There was just Taliban drug lords and Nazi trailer trash and boats. I think there might have been drugs being transported. You would never have a clue because 1 minute they’re in Cuba dancing and then they’re in a casino like its all good and there’s a lot of talking. 
The worst part is that I know there’s people that walked out of there thinking "Man did u see that guy get shot? That was awesome!" I wanted to kill each and every person who I heard a peep out of when the "bad guy" got his. 
I’m gonna pretend I didn’t spend my money on that piece of shit and while I’m at it, abstain from the movies for @ least 3 months. If I see another bad movie, I’m going to feel compelled to send Hollywood a boatload of anthrax- Miami style, ’cause that’s how we do.

Lady in the Water Review

There might be spoilers, there might not: 

First of all, ok...huh? I get the whole weird thing that Shayamalan was trying to do. Stupid little story, fine. But there were just some nasty plot holes. First of all, why does everyone just accept that this bitch just came from the sea like it’s all good? She’s also naked the entire movie! Maybe if you had been wearing pants, the evil grass wouldn’t have scratched you, jackass! Unacceptable! He has them doing all these ridiculous things to help her. What the fuck? If you’re going to try to convince me that a bunch of potheads can get motivated to do anything, you lose. And why the hell is everyone in that apartment building a damn writer? So weird. Most importantly, why did Shayamalan think he could act?? He can barely direct anymore, let alone be in front of the camera. I’ve seen better performances in Star Wars. Why did Paul Giamatti turn into a damn fish in the middle of the movie? (that’s not a spoiler- I just mean he was underwater for 5 minutes with no explanation). I will say this, it had some funny characters. The Asian lady especially. But funny characters don’t make a good story. Maybe its because I’m not spiritual enough but if my big enemy is a dog made out of grass, I don’t need a fucking guardian, I need a lawnmower. And I picked up on the pseudo-deep humanity/war thing, I just don’t care because it didn’t belong. It was put in the movie to give it depth and fell flat because this is a movie that didn’t need depth because it was a fucking bedtime story. Oh and that bitch is a redhead the 1st half of the movie and then she becomes blonde. Also, no one can pull of making up names for things (except maybe JK Rowling.) Other people shouldn’t try. A narf? No. Scrunt? Nooo. Looking past the fact that everyone is just fine with this random mythical naked chick running around and that in the beginning of the movie she has no idea what’s going on, at some point we find out that she can see the future. If you know what’s going to happen in 12 years, can’t you see who makes up the Scooby gang that’s supposed to save your ass? Overall, it wasn’t even cute. I just didn’t buy it. But it still wasn’t worse than The Village. He should just stop making movies. In fact, all established directors should stop making movies because when people have a reputation, they stop caring. I want to see people make movies when they still have something to prove. Not when they have enough money to write, direct, and produce their own crappy story. You know nobody told him what a stupid idea for a movie this was, and those that did got fired.