Worst.Movie.Ever.

I just made the mistake of watching the midnight showing of Miami Vice. What a piece of shit. It was bad enough that I spent $3.50 on a Kit Kat bar and that we had to sit in the 2nd row. But if the movie had been any good, I could have looked past that. For a movie with no plot, they sure did a lot of talking. A lot of talking, in bad Miami accents. Colin Farrel with a bad dye job trying to speak Spanish, unacceptable. Randomly hopping on a boat and going to Cuba for mojitos, completely unacceptable. I don’t really understand why there were so many Asian bitches all over the place. This isn’t Tokyo Drift. When was the last time you saw an Asian in Miami speaking Spanish?? I’m so beyond offended. The sex scenes in the movie weren’t even hot. The sound track was terrible, the outfits were worse. I’m still trying to count how many guayaveras they could shove Colin Farrel into. And naturally, when a movie has a shitty plot and isn’t really entertaining, you rely on visuals to get you through 2 hours of bullshit because at least there are pretty moving pictures in front of you. So to really kill everything, they hired an epileptic to do the camerawork. Obviously their aim was to capture the gritty feel of the dark Niami drug underworld. To achieve this they also used the shittiest cameras ever. They would shift from a real movie camera to something that closely resembled a camcorder. When done correctly, this can be pulled off and you’ve got Traffic. But when you’re watching one scene in which a bunch of people are talking (unintelligibly so) and the angle changes and its suddenly an 80's movie and then it changes again and the picture is clear, its not cute. Between that and the seizing cameraman, I was just about ready to kill myself. Finally, in an almost attempt to create excitement, there’s a shootout. So you think, sweet. Everyone will shut up and there will be lots of action. But all you hear is nonstop gunfire and you can’t really tell what’s going on or who’s getting shot because the camera is all over the place. I thought I was watching news footage from Iraq. But that couldn’t be because that would have been more exciting. I really have no idea what just happened. There was just Taliban drug lords and Nazi trailer trash and boats. I think there might have been drugs being transported. You would never have a clue because 1 minute they’re in Cuba dancing and then they’re in a casino like its all good and there’s a lot of talking. 
The worst part is that I know there’s people that walked out of there thinking "Man did u see that guy get shot? That was awesome!" I wanted to kill each and every person who I heard a peep out of when the "bad guy" got his. 
I’m gonna pretend I didn’t spend my money on that piece of shit and while I’m at it, abstain from the movies for @ least 3 months. If I see another bad movie, I’m going to feel compelled to send Hollywood a boatload of anthrax- Miami style, ’cause that’s how we do.

Lady in the Water Review

There might be spoilers, there might not: 

First of all, ok...huh? I get the whole weird thing that Shayamalan was trying to do. Stupid little story, fine. But there were just some nasty plot holes. First of all, why does everyone just accept that this bitch just came from the sea like it’s all good? She’s also naked the entire movie! Maybe if you had been wearing pants, the evil grass wouldn’t have scratched you, jackass! Unacceptable! He has them doing all these ridiculous things to help her. What the fuck? If you’re going to try to convince me that a bunch of potheads can get motivated to do anything, you lose. And why the hell is everyone in that apartment building a damn writer? So weird. Most importantly, why did Shayamalan think he could act?? He can barely direct anymore, let alone be in front of the camera. I’ve seen better performances in Star Wars. Why did Paul Giamatti turn into a damn fish in the middle of the movie? (that’s not a spoiler- I just mean he was underwater for 5 minutes with no explanation). I will say this, it had some funny characters. The Asian lady especially. But funny characters don’t make a good story. Maybe its because I’m not spiritual enough but if my big enemy is a dog made out of grass, I don’t need a fucking guardian, I need a lawnmower. And I picked up on the pseudo-deep humanity/war thing, I just don’t care because it didn’t belong. It was put in the movie to give it depth and fell flat because this is a movie that didn’t need depth because it was a fucking bedtime story. Oh and that bitch is a redhead the 1st half of the movie and then she becomes blonde. Also, no one can pull of making up names for things (except maybe JK Rowling.) Other people shouldn’t try. A narf? No. Scrunt? Nooo. Looking past the fact that everyone is just fine with this random mythical naked chick running around and that in the beginning of the movie she has no idea what’s going on, at some point we find out that she can see the future. If you know what’s going to happen in 12 years, can’t you see who makes up the Scooby gang that’s supposed to save your ass? Overall, it wasn’t even cute. I just didn’t buy it. But it still wasn’t worse than The Village. He should just stop making movies. In fact, all established directors should stop making movies because when people have a reputation, they stop caring. I want to see people make movies when they still have something to prove. Not when they have enough money to write, direct, and produce their own crappy story. You know nobody told him what a stupid idea for a movie this was, and those that did got fired.